


Hey Batter Batter

by thisislegit



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Accidental Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, piccolo has like one line, yamcha saves the day, yes theres some smut in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 01:54:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19097383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisislegit/pseuds/thisislegit
Summary: What started as a normal afternoon quickly spirals downward for our brave ex-bandit. Then again, no one said saving the world was an easy task.





	Hey Batter Batter

**Author's Note:**

> when you fall into a rarepair tag and all the content is gold you just gotta...just...a little finagling
> 
> i know i dont go here, leave me be
> 
> un-betad

Yamcha wasn’t doing anything serious on his day off. His chores were done, and there was nothing on TV leaving him to improvise. Lying in bed, he was only messing around as he ran a hand down his stomach to curl his fingers into pubic hair. Teasing while two of his fingers pressed against the rim of his wet hole. He shifted on his knees, his chest resting on a pillow as he pressed them inside. A weak sound left his lips. It’d been a while because the stretch was tight even with the muscle relaxant in the new lube he’d bought. His insides were slick as he began pushing inside past the first knuckle.

Reaching down to grab his cock, he was glad Puar wasn’t home. The walk of shame to the shower after jerking off was something he didn’t want to repeat a fourth time. Sucks to be a shapeshifter when you could smell everything.

His erection started to flag at the thought. Okay, don’t think about his best friend. Think about literally anything else. His fingers stopped at the second knuckle making Yamcha have to shift his arm. He could never get the angle right on the first try. This might be easier if he was sitting on his thighs. Sighing, he pulled his fingers partially out and pushed them back in trying to get a little deeper. The sensation was hot, and he rubbed his chest against the fabric of the pillow for more contrast.

His thumb rubbed along the head of his erection gathering precum as he teased himself. Easy. Just go easy. A breath, a push of fingers, a stroke, and a pull of fingers. He grunted keeping the pace slow. He needed to work himself down to the third knuckle before he could really start going at it. A breath, a push of fingers, a stroke, a pull. Breathe, push, stroke, pull. Ah. Yeah, like that. Almost. He was pushing his ass back onto his fingers. Almost there. His arm began to ache from the angle, but this was the easiest position to prep himself from without going too fast. Yamcha moaned as his middle finger teased the edge of his prostate. So close. He just needed to-.

A large spike of ki on the other side of the planet made him jerk too fast as his ass clenched down onto his fingers.

What the fuck was that?

That definitely wasn’t Goku. Was Piccolo back? Was the demon making his movie to take over the planet? Pulling his fingers out, Yamcha realized they’d need all the help they could get were that the case. Sitting up, he looked down at himself. He didn’t exactly have time to shower, but he could clean himself down before getting dressed. Good thing he kept a pack of wet wipes in the bedside drawer.

He counted the seconds it took him to get clean and get dressed before locking the door to his house and flying off towards the source of ki. The closer he got, the more he realized the direction in which he was going. It was kame house, and Goku was there. He could also sense the other’s ki. Krillin, Roshi, Oolong, Bulma and a really small ki with the large ki from earlier. What the hell was going on? That didn’t feel like Piccolo.

He flew over high enough to see Goku on the ground clutching his stomach, and a small child with a dragon ball on his hat running over to him. What the hell was going on here? A large man with a tail and weird clothes walked over to grab the child from the beach making Bulma yell something. He was too high up to hear her that well. He needed to do something.

Gathering his ki, Yamcha curved his hand up to the sky forming a spirit ball. He couldn’t risk hitting the kid with a Kamehameha, and if this guy could take Goku down, the attack wouldn’t be strong enough anyway. He needed to give them enough time for Goku to get back onto his feet. Maybe get the attention of Tien with the throes of battle and stand a fighting chance. Taking a breath, he aimed and fired.

Direct hit!

Oh shit, direct hit. He needed to keep going. The man yelled as he dropped the child and flew around to dodge the next few strikes of his attack. Growling, the man turned around, batting the super ball away before it exploded and made direct eye contact with Yamcha. Shit. Shit shit shit. He looked down to see Goku still on the beach, the child on his stomach crying and clinging to him. Krillin was knocked out too, and Bulma was looking at Yamcha with genuine fear in her eyes. Right. Time to play hero.

“Take care of Goku! I’ve got this!” Yamcha gathered his ki firing a few more blasts at the larger man before flying off.

He had no idea what condition Goku was in, but he knew he needed to give the younger man some time to recover. Not to mention, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Bulma saw him get his ass kicked after shouting that. Sure they were currently off again, but the idea of heroics might get them back on track. It usually did.

He looked back to see the larger man following him and gaining speed as they flew. Fuck. Sky battle it was. They were far enough away from Kame House and the ocean had faded back to land meaning if he’d lost there’d be a body to recover. Wow that was morbid. He needed to work on his self-esteem.

Yamcha stopped mid-flight to turn around and get into a fighting stance. He could do this. He could do this. Breathe. Focus his ki. Observe his opponent and move without hesitation. He was somewhat out of practice, but he didn’t have time to dwell on that. Muscle memory would save him. Please let muscle memory save him.

The large man stood across from Yamcha, his arms crossed, a smirk on his face, long, thick hair that winded down to his legs, and a tail coiled tight around his waist. What unsettled Yamcha was that the tail looked like the one Goku used to have. Could it be?

“So, you’ve got this do you earthling?” The man pressed a button on his eye piece and snorted when it beeped. “Pathetic.”

“I don’t know what that thing does, but you shouldn’t rely on it too much. You might find yourself regretting it,” Yamcha curled his fingers ready to strike. Huh. That line came out way cooler than he expected. Maybe he should’ve stayed and fought above Kame House.

“I hope you’re not all talk. It’s been ages since I’ve had a decent fight,” With that the man lunged at him.

Yamcha sucked in a breath, curving his head under the fist. He went for an uppercut, but his wrist was grabbed and a tail latched around his throat. Fuck. The man held Yamcha by the front of his gi, his fist trapped in the larger hand as their faces got closer. Yamcha grabbed onto the wrist clutching his shirt when the fur around his neck bristled as the man’s eyes widened.

Suddenly, he was released. Yamcha was confused, but he wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth as he returned to a fighting position. He’d have to watch out for the tail this time. Although, there was a sense of unease when the man didn’t move to fight and looked Yamcha up and down giving him a once over. Was he checking him out? The man smirked again making Yamcha’s face heat in embarrassment. He was NOT checking Yamcha out. He must be mocking him.

“I didn’t think earthlings were so vulgar.”

What?

“Did you sense my power and want me all to yourself?” The man floated closer, his smirk now a smug grin.

“What the hell are you talking about,” Yamcha glared willing away the warmth in his cheeks.

The man was too close now, his hand hovering above Yamcha’s hip, “I can smell the arousal on you.”

WHAT. NO. COME ON. He wiped himself off. Wasn’t that enough! On second thought, maybe Yamcha could let this strange man murder him because he was not going to live this embarrassment down. His face was beet red as he fumbled for words to say. He jumped when the hand above his hip gripped the muscle there, fingers teasing along the butt of his pants.

“I know I said it’s been a while since I’ve had a decent fight, but it’s been a while since I’ve partaken in other matters as well.”

This couldn’t be Yamcha’s life. Being propositioned by a strange dude who was powerful enough to kick Goku’s ass. Well, at least the man was handso- NO. He needed to stop that train of thought because he was being stared at like a deli plate, and he maybe should say something to deter this.

“I don’t see how that’s my problem,” Yamcha’s voice came out warbly and high-pitched instead of the confident baritone he was hoping for. Damn it. He really was letting this get to him.

“How about we make a deal? You keep my attention, and I’ll consider not blowing this planet to itty bitty pieces.”

“You think I’m gonna fuck you for a consideration,” The bite returned to Yamcha’s voice. Thank kami.

The man out right laughed, taking his eye piece off and letting it fall to the ground, “I think you’ll take what you can get.”

Yamcha crossed his arms and weighed his options. He was outmatched. Unless he caught the larger man off guard, he wouldn’t stand a chance. The tail seemed strong on its own without punches and kicks getting involved. However, he also didn’t know if this guy was just going to break his word after getting what he wanted. Die now or die later? Would this count as cheating on Bulma if they weren’t together right now? She dated whoever she wanted during their breaks. This was just a really messed up booty call where his performance would determine if the world was gonna keep spinning. Okay, when he put it like that it sounded like an obligation.

 “What’s your name?” Yamcha asked. Fuck it. In for a zeni in for a pound.

“Raditz.”

“Okay Raditz, I’m Yamcha. Come with me and don’t destroy shit on the way to my place, or in my place, or around my place,” Yamcha started floating away noting that Raditz stayed close.

Raditz snorted again, following Yamcha through the sky.

This was stupid. This was stupid and dangerous and he prayed that he wouldn't regret this.

  

* * *

 

 

Two days. They’d been at it on and off for two days with minimal bathroom breaks, a few sandwich breaks, and the occasional few hours of sleep before Yamcha felt wandering hands and lips trailing along his neck, or his back, or, before one particular session, the inside of his thighs.

Currently, he was cross-sitting next to a sleeping and naked Raditz, the blankets covering both of their shame. Okay, it wasn’t shame. Yamcha was not ashamed because the sex was really good and much needed. However, as he rested his face in his hands, he couldn’t help but realize the implications behind all this. There was still no guarantee the alien, er saiyan, wouldn’t blow up the planet when he grew bored. Not to mention, during one of their sandwich breaks where Raditz ate an entire loaf of bread, Yamcha learned he was fucking Goku’s long lost brother from a dead planet that was blown up by an evil more powerful dictator alien who would probably come here sooner or later. Which was a whole different can of worms he wanted to remain sealed. At least until he could put himself together long enough to put those pieces together.

What was his life? How did it come to this? He’d gotten multiple phone calls from Bulma he had to ignore, and he knew Goku could sense his ki enough to know that yes, he was alive. Yes, Raditz was also alive. Yes, they were in the same vicinity for two whole days not moving from the spot that was Yamcha’s home. He prayed they thought he was being held hostage and not having the best sex of his life.

Speaking of sex. A rough hand began to glide up his thigh as thick lips pressed against one of the many bite marks left near his waist. Again? His ass was still sore from the session just an hour ago. Maybe he could get Raditz off with a blowjob. The saiyan had really enjoyed it, more so when Yamcha figured out how to stroke his tail without immobilizing him.

“No wonder my brother decided to have spawn on this dirt rock,” Raditz mumbled the words into Yamcha’s skin, sliding a hand up to play with a brown nipple. “Especially if humans are as virile as you are.”

Yamcha’s face warmed at the teasing touches and awful word choice. “Hey, about our deal.”

“What deal?”

“Don’t fuck with me,” Yamcha took hold of Raditz’s tail. A clear threat he learned when he stepped on it by accident last night.

Instead of looking scared, Raditz smiled rubbing his fingers between the dips of Yamcha’s abs, “Hmmm.”

Did Raditz like it when Yamcha was threatening? He was more eager to do things when Yamcha got angry, and that was another rabbit hole he did not need to jump down right now. “I’m serious.”

“I can tell.”

Yamcha’s eyes glanced down and there was a tent in the blankets. Great. Just what he needed to know. Raditz _did_ like Yamcha threatening him.

“After seeing that weird, little, blue thing scream and run out of the kitchen while I had you writhing on the table, I figure there’s more of this planet I wouldn’t mind seeing. With you. On your back.”

He was going to get Puar the biggest box of candy in apology after that. His shapeshifting friend hadn’t returned home since. Yamcha wondered where he went, and who he was telling about what he saw.

“Good to know…I guess?” He idly fingered the soft fur of the tail as he thought on what Raditz said. Was that a confession? Was he serious? Did this mean Yamcha won?

He said he wanted to see more things on this planet so that counted right? To do more things with Yamcha that probably included lots of sex. He hoped not as much as they had been having. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take if they kept this pattern up. A few more days of this and things might start falling out.

A rumbling growl came from Raditz as Yamcha had gone from lightly rubbing his tail to avidly stroking the fur as he pondered. The first time he heard the sound he thought he’d done something wrong, but it turned out to be a weird noise the guy made when something felt good. Yamcha’s eyes went wide as saucers as his face blanched when he realized he may have trapped himself into something permanent. Raditz’s tail fell from his hands as his fingers trembled. His dream of settling down crashed and burned before his very eyes due to a combination of thirst, self-preservation, and poor judgement. Bulma was going to murder him when she found out why he hadn’t been answering her calls. Not to mention he probably let a free-loader into his house in-between baseball contracts.

Dear kami what had he done? He’d take a thousand walks of shame to take this back, but who knows how that would’ve gone. This was no time for a crisis. He needed to bottle those feelings up, and deal with the current issue responsibly.

“Do you know how to do anything besides fight and fuck?” Yamcha asked, and then realized it wasn’t specific enough, “Like fishing?”

“Fishing? What the hell is that.”

Great. Yamcha closed his eyes in irritation feeling a migraine coming on. This was going to be A Trial. “Well, if you want to stay here, and if you want to keep fucking me you’re going to have to learn how to do other things. Like cleaning.”

“Now?” Raditz used his free tail to wrap around Yamcha’s thigh. He moved under the blankets to partially crawl into Yamcha’s lap and said, “I’d rather learn how to do that thing you did to me.”

“You mean a blowjo-ah!”

Raditz sucked the head of Yamcha’s cock between his lips. He huffed out a breath digging his hands into Raditz’s hair as the blanket fell further down his back. The chill in the house sent goosebumps up Yamcha’s legs, but Raditz’s mouth was hot and oh so welcoming.

Yamcha moaned, uncrossing his legs so they could rest over the saiyan’s shoulders. The thing he learned through this experience was that Raditz was a fast learner. Thanking every diety out there as Raditz took him down his throat, Yamcha tried to recall why he was so against this earlier. But then there was a crash through the roof of his bedroom as debris fell beside the bed sending a cloud of dirt and dust into the air.

“YAMCHA ARE YA OKAY.” Goku’s voice was loud as the cloud began to clear.

Yamcha wanted to die. His legs were still over Raditz’s shoudlers as the large Saiyan sat up in bed with Yamcha’s cock in his mouth bringing Yamcha with him.

“Oh that’s gross. I’m outta here,” Piccolo shook his head at the display and flew back through the hole they’d made.

“Uhhh.” Goku looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and Yamcha couldn’t blame him.

“This…isn’t what it looks like,” Yamcha knew it was the world’s weakest excuse since it was exactly what it looked like.

Raditz let Yamcha’s cock fall out of his mouth, “At least not yet.”

“…..Is this consensual? Do ya need help?” Goku asked, looking conflicted.

“I’m fine, Goku. Please leave.” Yamcha covered up his dick as he spoke, his face as red as his friend’s.

“Okay. I’ll tell Bulma about the roof, but not this part. I don’t want her yellin at me,” Goku floated back up giving Raditz an ‘I’m watching you hand gesture’.

“Thanks. Bye Goku.” His tone was clipped as he watched the younger saiyan fly out of sight.

Not only was there now a hole in his roof, but he was mentally back to square one on facing the consequences of his actions.

“Definitely suffered brain damage when he landed,” Raditz shook his head.

Yamcha sucked in a breath through his mouth and let it out through his nose. “I changed my mind. We’re learning how to clean now.”

**Author's Note:**

> i know what u wanna ask, why did raditz drop his scouter in the middle of the desert so it would break?
> 
> and to that I say-
> 
> (bolts off)


End file.
